Winter is my favorite season, no doubt. I love cold weather; I think snow is awesome; and from late October through mid-January it is socially acceptable to put tea lights on anything nailed down. (Or planted.) Football is on every weekened, which is also fabulous since football is my favorite sport when baseball isn't on, and lucky me they have opposite seasons. Winter is holiday season, the season of change and wonder when people get together to look back on where they've come from and look forward to where they are going. Winter is a season of reflection and solidarity.
However, winter is nearing it's end and spring is coming. I like early spring when it's kind of sunny, but there's still that little bite to the air. So it's turning spring and it's time for some changes. I have no one left to be but myself. So it's time for some purging, some spring cleaning, if you will. Getting rid of some of the non-essentials that are distractions. Spending more time doing what's important: Bible study, reading, spending time with family and friends. Making a life out here. It's down to do or die for me; I either make the changes I want or things get changed for me. Time for a trim and a color job. Time for some tights and some spring dresses. Time for some laughter and dancing. Time to kill some apathy.
Time to get some candles. I really love candles, and I only have three itty bitty ones that I lit for the first time while I was cleaning the other day. It was going well until I lit my thumb on fire. Ouch. (Okay, my thumb was not engulfed in flames or anything, but it melted part of my nail polish and hurt like a mother.)
So I'm looking for a second part time job to supplement my awesome library job. Kate and I bopped around Saturday and I applied again at Barnes and Noble, so I'm hopeful for that. We think that would be six shades of perfect, what with the books and all. Plus, some of my co-workers work/have worked there in the past so I don't think they're opposed to hiring someone doing double duty. I'm going to look at a couple of other places, too. As soon as I get a second one nailed down I'm going to start looking at apartments. ^_^ My objective right now is to move out late April or early May. And (if I find one that lets me) I'm going to paint and it will be fabulous.
Also need to get back on that whole look for a church wagon. It's just so hard to find one that has the right mix of being a small church but being large enough to have what you need. Maybe this Sunday, though, the attempt will begin again. I'm thinking I want to go back to my non-denominational orgins, too. We'll see.
Wanted to light a book on fire for the first time, ever this week, while cleaning out my car. I didn't, fear not, the book is unharmed. If you know me this is shocking; I absolutely hate marking in books. I was raised with the idea that books are pretty much sacred, you do not dog ear them, highlight in them, and you do not pull the cover off.
Or light them on fire.
Speaking of books, I finished Vision in White this morning and I'm now halfway through Sharpe's Rifles. Um, yes, those are romance and historical fiction, respectively. So far, dipping my toes into genres that are not mystery is working out okay. The water's been pretty warm. (Maybe a little too warm in the romance genre, thank you. Nothing crude, but still a little, ah...vivid.)
iTunes just shuffled from Bridget Jones to Slugpuppies. Yikes.
When I get my apartment, I am going to get more bookshelves. I have one in my room now and the poor thing is stuffed to the gills. The books need room to breathe. I also need to start filling the gaps in my Robert B. Parker collection. He was one of my top three favorite authors and he passed away last week, which was really sad. He was a great author and he will be very much missed, as will his characters.
Anyway, I know I'm rambling and there isn't much of a point to this post.
i been there done that messed around
i'm having fun don't put me down
i'll never let you sweep me off my feet
i won't let you in again the messages i tried to send
my information's just not going in
i'm burning bridges shore to shore
i break away from something more
i'm not turned off to love until it's cheap
this time maybe i'll be bulletproof
this time maybe i'll be bulletproof
Thanks to Kate for this song, it is now permanently stuck in my head. :)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
psychological recovery...six months
Happy New Year, everyone!
2009 was rough, wasn't it?
It felt like a rough year. Nothing quite went the way I would have liked it too, and for some things that worked out just fine. For other things, I would definitely like a reset button. When I was finished with high school, I had never been more grateful for something to be over. I had a lot of fun in high school, but I would never do it again. Now that I am finished with college, I would do it again.
No, you read that correctly. I would do college again, in a heartbeat. There are so many things I'd do differently.
But then, of course, is the age old question, would I give up what I gained to redo it?
The answer, of course, is no. I gained so much and gained friendships I wouldn't give up for the world. Some of the things I wish to change aren't mine to change anyway, so going back probably wouldn't help.
So I, as Cornelius from Meet the Robinsons would say, keep moving forward.
Oh yeah, I graduated! That was fun. I'll be honest with you, it didn't happen the way I'd envisioned it happening. I'm not sure what I did envision. I didn't throw a party or anything (so please don't be offended if you think you weren't invited!) and the actual walking across the stage happens really, really quickly. My parents were able to come, Mom was determined to get there despite her recovering foot (she had surgery) and Kate and Caleb came which I appreciated a lot. However, I have promised to throw a party when I graduate from grad school, so all of you will be invited to that, I promise.
You might be waiting a while, but we'll get there.
Right before I graduated I had one of those moments where I temporarily lost my mind and in the course of trying to do one thing accomplished something else entirely. In trying to be honest with someone else, I found out I hadn't been entirely honest with myself. Oops. It wasn't intentional and it worked out for the best (further proof that God loves me even when I am six shades of stupid) but it was definitely eye opening. I feel bad because I created an awkward situation (which I think is okay now) and I dislike making people feel awkward. Thankfully this person is extremely kind and forgiving.
I also have amazing friends to walk me through the crazy things I (occasionally) do. :)
So I'm not really a fan of New Year's resolutions, I feel like most people make them because they know nobody really expects anyone to follow through on a new year's resolution. However, I do want this year to be different than last year. No longer do I wish to be passive in the things going on in my life, no longer do I wish to be afraid to say what's on my mind. I know that I am loved, no matter what happens. God has continuously put people in my life that care about me no matter how crazy (or cranky) I get, and if He cares enough to continue to do that I'm pretty sure He loves me no matter what kind of crazy (or stupid) I get.
Watch out world. I'm here to live my life, and do it the right way from now on. I love you, and I'm gonna tell you like it is. Muah.
All right, time for more random with Gabi.
My favorite actress is Sandra Bullock. (Kudos to Caleb for being the only one to guess know this at my birthday party) My favorite Sandra Bullock movie is While You Were Sleeping. Which, incidentally makes Bill Pullman's character Jack one of my favorite leading male characters ever.
2009 was rough, wasn't it?
It felt like a rough year. Nothing quite went the way I would have liked it too, and for some things that worked out just fine. For other things, I would definitely like a reset button. When I was finished with high school, I had never been more grateful for something to be over. I had a lot of fun in high school, but I would never do it again. Now that I am finished with college, I would do it again.
No, you read that correctly. I would do college again, in a heartbeat. There are so many things I'd do differently.
But then, of course, is the age old question, would I give up what I gained to redo it?
The answer, of course, is no. I gained so much and gained friendships I wouldn't give up for the world. Some of the things I wish to change aren't mine to change anyway, so going back probably wouldn't help.
So I, as Cornelius from Meet the Robinsons would say, keep moving forward.
Oh yeah, I graduated! That was fun. I'll be honest with you, it didn't happen the way I'd envisioned it happening. I'm not sure what I did envision. I didn't throw a party or anything (so please don't be offended if you think you weren't invited!) and the actual walking across the stage happens really, really quickly. My parents were able to come, Mom was determined to get there despite her recovering foot (she had surgery) and Kate and Caleb came which I appreciated a lot. However, I have promised to throw a party when I graduate from grad school, so all of you will be invited to that, I promise.
You might be waiting a while, but we'll get there.
Right before I graduated I had one of those moments where I temporarily lost my mind and in the course of trying to do one thing accomplished something else entirely. In trying to be honest with someone else, I found out I hadn't been entirely honest with myself. Oops. It wasn't intentional and it worked out for the best (further proof that God loves me even when I am six shades of stupid) but it was definitely eye opening. I feel bad because I created an awkward situation (which I think is okay now) and I dislike making people feel awkward. Thankfully this person is extremely kind and forgiving.
I also have amazing friends to walk me through the crazy things I (occasionally) do. :)
So I'm not really a fan of New Year's resolutions, I feel like most people make them because they know nobody really expects anyone to follow through on a new year's resolution. However, I do want this year to be different than last year. No longer do I wish to be passive in the things going on in my life, no longer do I wish to be afraid to say what's on my mind. I know that I am loved, no matter what happens. God has continuously put people in my life that care about me no matter how crazy (or cranky) I get, and if He cares enough to continue to do that I'm pretty sure He loves me no matter what kind of crazy (or stupid) I get.
Watch out world. I'm here to live my life, and do it the right way from now on. I love you, and I'm gonna tell you like it is. Muah.
All right, time for more random with Gabi.
My favorite actress is Sandra Bullock. (Kudos to Caleb for being the only one to guess know this at my birthday party) My favorite Sandra Bullock movie is While You Were Sleeping. Which, incidentally makes Bill Pullman's character Jack one of my favorite leading male characters ever.
I saw Sherlock Holmes!! All capital letters would not be enough to express my love for this movie. And the soundtrack, which I bought immediately after I saw it. Which was the day before I saw it again. Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law were absolutely perfect for their roles, and Rachel McAdams was awesome. They even managed to make Lestrade likable and still be in character. I also really liked the guy who played Sergeant Clark (Clarkey? Clarkson?); he was the one who tells Holmes about the warrant. Anyway...they totally set it up for a sequel, which if when it happens should also be incredible.
Seeing the movie definitely made me want to re-read the cannon, especially to find any allusion to Watson's gambling. I can't remember anything relating to him gambling, all though it was not uncommon for gentlemen of the time to bet on one thing or another. Plus it has been a while since I read through Doyle's work, and there actually some of the short stories I haven't read. Thankfully, I got an amazing complete works (printed in 1930!) from Kate and Hound of the Baskervilles in graphic novel format from Heather for Christmas. My friends know my love for the great detective and his Boswell. :)
Next time on adventures in Gabi-land, I shall regale you with my adventures with Heather in Mount Pleasant and tales of dog-sitting.
(I really love claw machines.)
<3 always,
Gabster
Oh! P.S. The title of this blog is a quote from the Sherlock Holmes movie, and is also the name of one of the songs on the soundtrack. The longest song on the soundtrack, clocking in at over seventeen minutes of awesomeness. :)
Monday, December 7, 2009
i wanna be a cowboy, baby
I felt like I should share some things about my life. These are not Biblical applications, mind you, but things about me you may or may not know.
-I am super excited for the new Disney movie, the Princess and the Frog. (Which the changed the title from the Frog Princess because they were afraid that was not politically correct. You think I'm kidding.)
-I am super excited for the new Disney movie, the Princess and the Frog. (Which the changed the title from the Frog Princess because they were afraid that was not politically correct. You think I'm kidding.)
Disney brings back a lot of happy childhood memories. I remember seing Beauty and the Beast in the theatre with my mom and being absolutely mesmerised by the colors and the songs. My mom and I had a conversation today about animated movies because I mentioned the fact I didn't like Happy Feet. She asked me why and I told her I thought it was too depressing for a children's movie. He gets rejected by the other penguins, he gets stuck in the zoo...yes it had great music and a happy ending, but the over all feeling of the movie did not leave me with 'I just watched a happy family film'. My mom then says to me, "That's because you watched it from a kid's point of view. You watched that thinking to yourself how would this movie make me feel if I was a kid? Your friends just watched it as the age they are." I said, "Like I do with everything!" She says, "It's true." ...Essentially I am a five year old at heart.
Another movie I am so totally excited for is the new Sherlock Holmes movie. This is the first Sherlock Holmes film to hit the big screen in over twenty years (the last being a parody with Michael Caine and Ben Kingsley) although PBS did a version more recently with Richard Roxburg and Ian Heart of The Hound of the Baskervilles which I highly recommend. There were criticisms in the fandom (yes, I'm that big of a nerd, shut it) because Richard Roxburg looks nothing like Holmes from the books, but I thought he was wonderful. I'm not sure I have words to express my joy over Robert Downey Jr. and Jude law, however, and I'm even okay with Rachel McAdams playing Irene Adler because hey, it's Rachel McAdams and she is awesome. I am so in love with the fact that Guy Ritchie is exploring the more athletic side of Holmes and incorporating the boxing. AND WATSON'S DOG.
In A Study in Scarlet, where Holmes and Watson meet, Watson mention he has a bull pup. It is never mentioned again in Doyle's cannon, and it isn't certain whether Doyle intended for Watson to have an actual dog (which is unlikely since he had just returned from Afghanistan) or if he was using a slang term for a rifle. Doyle wasn't that big on detail for some things, though. Ritchie has apparently decided to interpret it as the dog, which Holmes experiments on according to the clips in the trailer. So hilarious! Really my love for all things Holmes knows no bounds and I may be more excited for the release of this movie than I am for my own graduation.
I really, really would like to be kissed under mistletow. I know that's completely ridiculous, and I blame all the ridiculous wonderful holiday movies, but it would make me deleriously happy.
So, everyone pretty much knows I love music of all kinds and that I would live in a musical if I could get away with doing so (and sometimes I do thanks to my loves at Uptown). However, you may not know that I can be obsessive compulsive about my listening habits. When I find or receive new music, if there is a particular song I like or othat speaks to me I will listen to that song over and over and over and over again. I mean, a lot a lot. Usually this happens with one song at a time, but this past week I have been introduced to a whole new genre as well as a new album of a band I previously liked. So here are the songs I've had on repeat this week:
1) Changes by Black Sabbath
2) Losin' Your Mind by Black Label Society
3) Supernaut by Black Sabbath
4) Hey Soul Sister by Train
5) Tik Tok by Keisha
6) Save Me, San Francisco by Train
Black Sabbath and Black Label Soceity are thanks to Dave. Dear Dave, my iTunes thanks you for the expansion of its genres. I've been using iTunes for five years, and thanks to your contribution to my musical education for the first time it has the Metal genre as an option. I confess to stereotyping this kind of music and I am deeply grateful for this eye opening experience.
It's also kind of amusing because my Nana liked Ozzy Osbourne. I don't know that she listened to Black Sabbath, but she definitely liked Ozzy.
I sing in the shower. Loudly. I also create my own vocal jazz arrangements for songs that were not originally jazz. Wake Up Call by Maroon 5 is one of my favorites.
That's Maroon 5, just so you know. I think this is an older picture from their Songs About Jane days. I really love Maroon 5's music.
The ad on the side of facebook where the guy is shaving the girl's leg creeps me out. Now, most people know I have space issues (Thank you, people who play the Gabi Game) but there are some people (read: guys) I don't mind being close to me (I'm not telling who, but it probably is not who you think it is), even the face thing, but never ever never ever would I let a guy shave my leg I do not care how long we had been together. No thank you. Weird and creepy.
I think guys wearing a tie are sexy.
So I think that's all I've got right now. Sometimes I want to be really personal and share things I know would really surprise you. Maybe someday I will.
<3 Gabster
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
say what you need to say
Let's revisit my love for John Mayer, shall we?
Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.
Say what you need to say
There have been many times in my life where out of fear I chose to do or say nothing in a situation that called for a reaction. (Or, action which therefore causes reaction.) There have been people that I wanted to say I love you to, and never did. Times I wanted to give someone something and did not. I withheld compliment, affection, or acknowledgement because I feared being rejected or I feared the person on the other end would think I was silly.
There are people of whom I wished to ask questions and never did. Many of those people are now with Jesus or I have no way of contacting them. I have often felt frustrated because I've been the "good" kid, the "nice" girl, and have only added more questions to my ever information consuming brain.
The older I become, the more aware I am of time and how very little of it we actually have. I smile when the freshmen moan because they have three and a half more years of the college experience to go through. Classes are long, studying is hard, and boys are stupid. (Take note, these are universal truths.) College (despite what I myself groan about, this being my victory lap year) went by quickly. College for me was a quilt of experience, pieced together from three different colleges and the events of life that happened in between lectures and papers. I made good choices, I made bad choices. I was treated unfairly for standing up for what I thought was right, and I was shown grace even when I did wrong. I lost my first car, gave up my first kiss, gained life-long friends and lost loved ones. There were times I chose not to act and regretted it, and times I chose to act and reaped reactions I never expected.
Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If you could only...Say what you need to say
It's a very tricky balance, living life. A young man in my class today said, "Life is vague." That got me thinking. Is life vague? As a Christian, can I say life is vague? And how would the belief of life as vague affect my walk?
For God, life is not vague. He created it, after all, and again, if we believe that the Word is Truth, God is all knowing. He is Alpha and Omega; He has always been and will always be. He knows the story from it's beginning to its end. One of my favorite verses was given to me when I was ten years old, and it is often quoted.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
So, God knows what's up. He knows the plan. He is, after all, the way, the truth, and the life. Essentially the first part of this verse is an affirmation. As people, we do not know what's up. (Or down, or sideways, or why the sky is blue or why girls act the way they do.) This is okay, because if we had to be responsible for all that knowledge, of knowing all the plans, our poor little brains would explode. Implosion would also be a possibility.
As people, we should probably be satisfied knowing that God's got it down and we need not worry. (Matthew 6:34) However, God in His infinite wisdom knows that as people we are very seldom satisfied. Telling us we don't need to known only serves as fuel to the fire. We need to know the answers. We need to know the information. We need the map, the compass, the GPS that tells us where the next Starbucks is and who our future spouse may be.
At least, we think we do. Another conflicting part of my personality is my never ending quest to absorb information of all kinds coupled with my firm belief that ignorance (in some cases) is bliss. Don't ask me how I reconcile that in my head.
I digress. God gives us some answers! He lets us know that these plans include prospering, not harming, hope, and a future. What are these things? And is it enough knowledge?
Webster defines prosper as this: to succeed in enterprise or activity, especially to achieve economic success; to cause to succeed or thrive
In this case however, I do not think God is promising us economic success. God promises us that He will take care of our needs (Matthew 6:25-34) but He also warns not to place great value on material things (Matthew 6:19-21) which sort of indicates you can kiss the prosperity gospel goodbye, but that's a post for another day.
What I think God is promising here leans more toward the "thrive" part of the definition. In the New Living Translation the verse states that God has plans for "good and not to destroy". There's an old saying that only two things are certain in life, death and taxes. It's a cute colloquialism, but the reality is that as human beings we know that death is certain. Life is fragile, and it is a gift that we can choose to embrace and live to the fullest.
Jesus says this:
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10
Some days I think I struggle with having a passion for life. I look at life as a passive event, something that is happening to me as I go through each day. What happens, happens. What doesn't, doesn't and that's just the way it is. You roll over and die, or you pick up and you carry on. Perhaps that is too simple of me. Perhaps if I believed it with more epmhasis: You roll over and die, or you pick up and carry on!
Perhaps therein lays the answer to the question as to whether or not life is vague. Life cannot be vague if we are actively living for God. We are living with a goal in mind. Paul (the apostle) describes life as a race that we are running, that we are pursuing the goal at the end of the road. For Christians, that goal is Christ. To be an athlete running in a race takes practice, it takes devotion, it takes discipline. It takes making a choice to exercise the necessary muscles every single day no matter how you feel or its sleeting buckets of monkeys. In actively living for God, we can not passively let life pass us by one day at a time because we are actively practicing the faith we claim. We make the choice. We are to be living in love and sharing the gospel and acting in kindness and mercy (they will know you by your deeds) and we are to be doing something (all things) for the glory of God.
Gabs, you say, that sounds good on paper. In a perfect world this would be happening every day in our jobs and in our homes and on our campuses. What goes wrong?
Answer: We are people. And. We. Suck. This. Up.
As a writer I should be able to phrase that more eloquently and with a better vocabulary word than 'suck'. But let's be honest, folks, we're our own worst enemies. There are a lot days than not when I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. How am I going to have a zest for life and a joyful heart for living life abundantly when I let myself get so weighed down by what's happening in the world around me?
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than to never say what you need to say again
A quote by Gandhi has been on my mind lately. He is credited with saying, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."
Ouch. As my Mom is credited with saying, "The truth hurts."
Someone recently asked me if I trusted God. Not as in, do I believe in Jesus and the cross and the resurrection, but as in do I think God will betray me or do me harm? I didn't have a good answer when the question was asked of me. Forget having a good answer, I didn't have an answer. It wasn't a question I was prepared for or a conversation I was ready to have or a setting in which I was willing to have it. The answer is yes, I trust God. God has brought me through a multitude of situations and circumstances in my life that I would have never survived without Him. God has watched over me and provided for me since I was being knit together in the womb, and has done so ever since in ways many people know nothing about. I think one of the reasons I was unable to answer is because the answer I wanted to give would have been spiteful and I try very hard not to be spiteful even when I am horrifically offended and furious. (It happens... I'm a Texan woman and you know what they say about a woman scorned and all of that.) I trust Christ.
God has provided me with many friends that I can and do trust with all my heart, and I am forever thankful for these people in my life. There is no verse that promises life will be easy. There is no chapter that maps out our lives play by play. There are so many places where God promises care and comfort, good not harm, hope and a future with Christ as the goal. There will be trials that refine us. There will be consequences that shape us. There will be things we cannot take back and actions we wish we would have taken. There are conflicts that cannot be resolved in this lifetime. Letting go is an action, not a passive dismissal. Life is not vague. Your life is your own final frontier, where no one has gone before and experience which no one can repeat.
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as your eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say
I'm grateful for the people who genuinely love me with their words and their actions. I'm grateful for a new opportunity and the renewed joy I find in libraries. I'm grateful for determination and the pursuit of the abundant life. I'm determined to get up when my alarm goes off tomorrow with a smile on my face and know that the day holds promise. Tomorrow is another step in hope towards the future. It may sound simple, but the practice is the most complicated endurance test we will ever face. I think it's worth the prize.
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
<3 Gabster
Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.
Say what you need to say
There have been many times in my life where out of fear I chose to do or say nothing in a situation that called for a reaction. (Or, action which therefore causes reaction.) There have been people that I wanted to say I love you to, and never did. Times I wanted to give someone something and did not. I withheld compliment, affection, or acknowledgement because I feared being rejected or I feared the person on the other end would think I was silly.
There are people of whom I wished to ask questions and never did. Many of those people are now with Jesus or I have no way of contacting them. I have often felt frustrated because I've been the "good" kid, the "nice" girl, and have only added more questions to my ever information consuming brain.
The older I become, the more aware I am of time and how very little of it we actually have. I smile when the freshmen moan because they have three and a half more years of the college experience to go through. Classes are long, studying is hard, and boys are stupid. (Take note, these are universal truths.) College (despite what I myself groan about, this being my victory lap year) went by quickly. College for me was a quilt of experience, pieced together from three different colleges and the events of life that happened in between lectures and papers. I made good choices, I made bad choices. I was treated unfairly for standing up for what I thought was right, and I was shown grace even when I did wrong. I lost my first car, gave up my first kiss, gained life-long friends and lost loved ones. There were times I chose not to act and regretted it, and times I chose to act and reaped reactions I never expected.
Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If you could only...Say what you need to say
It's a very tricky balance, living life. A young man in my class today said, "Life is vague." That got me thinking. Is life vague? As a Christian, can I say life is vague? And how would the belief of life as vague affect my walk?
For God, life is not vague. He created it, after all, and again, if we believe that the Word is Truth, God is all knowing. He is Alpha and Omega; He has always been and will always be. He knows the story from it's beginning to its end. One of my favorite verses was given to me when I was ten years old, and it is often quoted.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
So, God knows what's up. He knows the plan. He is, after all, the way, the truth, and the life. Essentially the first part of this verse is an affirmation. As people, we do not know what's up. (Or down, or sideways, or why the sky is blue or why girls act the way they do.) This is okay, because if we had to be responsible for all that knowledge, of knowing all the plans, our poor little brains would explode. Implosion would also be a possibility.
As people, we should probably be satisfied knowing that God's got it down and we need not worry. (Matthew 6:34) However, God in His infinite wisdom knows that as people we are very seldom satisfied. Telling us we don't need to known only serves as fuel to the fire. We need to know the answers. We need to know the information. We need the map, the compass, the GPS that tells us where the next Starbucks is and who our future spouse may be.
At least, we think we do. Another conflicting part of my personality is my never ending quest to absorb information of all kinds coupled with my firm belief that ignorance (in some cases) is bliss. Don't ask me how I reconcile that in my head.
I digress. God gives us some answers! He lets us know that these plans include prospering, not harming, hope, and a future. What are these things? And is it enough knowledge?
Webster defines prosper as this: to succeed in enterprise or activity, especially to achieve economic success; to cause to succeed or thrive
In this case however, I do not think God is promising us economic success. God promises us that He will take care of our needs (Matthew 6:25-34) but He also warns not to place great value on material things (Matthew 6:19-21) which sort of indicates you can kiss the prosperity gospel goodbye, but that's a post for another day.
What I think God is promising here leans more toward the "thrive" part of the definition. In the New Living Translation the verse states that God has plans for "good and not to destroy". There's an old saying that only two things are certain in life, death and taxes. It's a cute colloquialism, but the reality is that as human beings we know that death is certain. Life is fragile, and it is a gift that we can choose to embrace and live to the fullest.
Jesus says this:
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10
Some days I think I struggle with having a passion for life. I look at life as a passive event, something that is happening to me as I go through each day. What happens, happens. What doesn't, doesn't and that's just the way it is. You roll over and die, or you pick up and you carry on. Perhaps that is too simple of me. Perhaps if I believed it with more epmhasis: You roll over and die, or you pick up and carry on!
Perhaps therein lays the answer to the question as to whether or not life is vague. Life cannot be vague if we are actively living for God. We are living with a goal in mind. Paul (the apostle) describes life as a race that we are running, that we are pursuing the goal at the end of the road. For Christians, that goal is Christ. To be an athlete running in a race takes practice, it takes devotion, it takes discipline. It takes making a choice to exercise the necessary muscles every single day no matter how you feel or its sleeting buckets of monkeys. In actively living for God, we can not passively let life pass us by one day at a time because we are actively practicing the faith we claim. We make the choice. We are to be living in love and sharing the gospel and acting in kindness and mercy (they will know you by your deeds) and we are to be doing something (all things) for the glory of God.
Gabs, you say, that sounds good on paper. In a perfect world this would be happening every day in our jobs and in our homes and on our campuses. What goes wrong?
Answer: We are people. And. We. Suck. This. Up.
As a writer I should be able to phrase that more eloquently and with a better vocabulary word than 'suck'. But let's be honest, folks, we're our own worst enemies. There are a lot days than not when I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. How am I going to have a zest for life and a joyful heart for living life abundantly when I let myself get so weighed down by what's happening in the world around me?
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than to never say what you need to say again
A quote by Gandhi has been on my mind lately. He is credited with saying, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."
Ouch. As my Mom is credited with saying, "The truth hurts."
Someone recently asked me if I trusted God. Not as in, do I believe in Jesus and the cross and the resurrection, but as in do I think God will betray me or do me harm? I didn't have a good answer when the question was asked of me. Forget having a good answer, I didn't have an answer. It wasn't a question I was prepared for or a conversation I was ready to have or a setting in which I was willing to have it. The answer is yes, I trust God. God has brought me through a multitude of situations and circumstances in my life that I would have never survived without Him. God has watched over me and provided for me since I was being knit together in the womb, and has done so ever since in ways many people know nothing about. I think one of the reasons I was unable to answer is because the answer I wanted to give would have been spiteful and I try very hard not to be spiteful even when I am horrifically offended and furious. (It happens... I'm a Texan woman and you know what they say about a woman scorned and all of that.) I trust Christ.
God has provided me with many friends that I can and do trust with all my heart, and I am forever thankful for these people in my life. There is no verse that promises life will be easy. There is no chapter that maps out our lives play by play. There are so many places where God promises care and comfort, good not harm, hope and a future with Christ as the goal. There will be trials that refine us. There will be consequences that shape us. There will be things we cannot take back and actions we wish we would have taken. There are conflicts that cannot be resolved in this lifetime. Letting go is an action, not a passive dismissal. Life is not vague. Your life is your own final frontier, where no one has gone before and experience which no one can repeat.
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as your eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say
I'm grateful for the people who genuinely love me with their words and their actions. I'm grateful for a new opportunity and the renewed joy I find in libraries. I'm grateful for determination and the pursuit of the abundant life. I'm determined to get up when my alarm goes off tomorrow with a smile on my face and know that the day holds promise. Tomorrow is another step in hope towards the future. It may sound simple, but the practice is the most complicated endurance test we will ever face. I think it's worth the prize.
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
<3 Gabster
Thursday, October 29, 2009
it won't always be easy to love
So, once upon a time, I attended a place of higher learning located in the rolling hills of East Texas. I learned a lot of things at this campus, not all of them to do with literature, theater, or history. Recently, I have greatly perturbed my mother by telling her that I have secrets that I have never breathed to another human being. She was quick to point out that God knew whatever these secrets were, and I told her that was fine because God would probably not be sharing them with anyone anytime soon. The opening to this blog is quite the conundrum, because I wish to tell you a story to make a point, but this story is a secret.
Many of my friends will tell you that I keep secrets rather well, and not just my own. (Granted, I am human, and a woman on top of that, so it has occasioned that information has slipped from me that should not have. I am not perfect, but thank you for thinking so. And I apologize if the information was yours.) This story, this secret, though, is one of my own. So how should I tell you, without giving too much away?
I fell in love in the springtime. (Could I get some wine with this cheese?) It's true, though. He was smart, and somewhat unsure of himself, at a place in life he hadn't really planned on. It started as discussions over class material that became stories about our lives that became smiles you remember long after you've left the other's company. Unfortunately, everything, anything that we were to be was contained in that brief moment. When classes were over, so was our story. He waited for me after the final and we stood in the hall and said goodbye. He took my held my hand for just a few seconds, squeezed, and let it go. I never saw him again, but those few seconds have meant more to me than a semester's worth of others.
The problem with blogging, I've found, at least for me, is that I like to take time to work out what I'm going to say. Sometimes I take too long, and other things happen in my life that derail the blogs I was working on, which is the case with this blog. Eventually I'll rework the point of this story into another blog, but for the moment, this is just an episode from my life that had an impact on me.
Life is full of twists, turns, and surprises we never dreamed of encountering.
Keeps things interesting, eh?
Many of my friends will tell you that I keep secrets rather well, and not just my own. (Granted, I am human, and a woman on top of that, so it has occasioned that information has slipped from me that should not have. I am not perfect, but thank you for thinking so. And I apologize if the information was yours.) This story, this secret, though, is one of my own. So how should I tell you, without giving too much away?
I fell in love in the springtime. (Could I get some wine with this cheese?) It's true, though. He was smart, and somewhat unsure of himself, at a place in life he hadn't really planned on. It started as discussions over class material that became stories about our lives that became smiles you remember long after you've left the other's company. Unfortunately, everything, anything that we were to be was contained in that brief moment. When classes were over, so was our story. He waited for me after the final and we stood in the hall and said goodbye. He took my held my hand for just a few seconds, squeezed, and let it go. I never saw him again, but those few seconds have meant more to me than a semester's worth of others.
The problem with blogging, I've found, at least for me, is that I like to take time to work out what I'm going to say. Sometimes I take too long, and other things happen in my life that derail the blogs I was working on, which is the case with this blog. Eventually I'll rework the point of this story into another blog, but for the moment, this is just an episode from my life that had an impact on me.
Life is full of twists, turns, and surprises we never dreamed of encountering.
Keeps things interesting, eh?
Friday, October 16, 2009
all at once
Today was my last day as secretary at the ministry where I've worked for almost a year. This means I am no longer the barefoot secretary. Currently, I am barefoot and unemployed.
This was cause for massive stress and concern up until a couple of days ago. Wednesday I had a breakdown over it, including ranting, raving, crying, and flailing while my mom watched me roll. Thursday involved crying, but none of the others. (Well, maybe some ranting and a little flailing.) Today, I was fine. It was the complete grace of God.
It's over now, and I'm relieved. It's been a long, hard road. I know I'm not nearly finished learning all God has for me to learn, and I'm grateful He has brought me this far. I have an interview on Monday which I am super excited about, so please keep me in your prayers for that.
This post is short. I'll write more later. Thank you all so much for your love and prayers. You have meant so much to me, and I couldn't have made it through this time in my life without you. God has provided, and it has been ya'll.
I'll leave with this:
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
-All at Once, The Fray
<3 Gabster
This was cause for massive stress and concern up until a couple of days ago. Wednesday I had a breakdown over it, including ranting, raving, crying, and flailing while my mom watched me roll. Thursday involved crying, but none of the others. (Well, maybe some ranting and a little flailing.) Today, I was fine. It was the complete grace of God.
It's over now, and I'm relieved. It's been a long, hard road. I know I'm not nearly finished learning all God has for me to learn, and I'm grateful He has brought me this far. I have an interview on Monday which I am super excited about, so please keep me in your prayers for that.
This post is short. I'll write more later. Thank you all so much for your love and prayers. You have meant so much to me, and I couldn't have made it through this time in my life without you. God has provided, and it has been ya'll.
I'll leave with this:
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
-All at Once, The Fray
<3 Gabster
Thursday, October 8, 2009
if you love me, won't you let me know?
Love is a big deal.
When you think about it, love is almost the epicenter of human existence.
From the time we are young children, we feel the need to be loved, to be cared for, to be safe. As people, we spend our lives in love. We love our parents, we love our friends, we love our pets, we love our families, we love our spouse. Books, plays, and movies revolve around love. Music is love.
In a perfect world, we would love everyone and there would be perfect trust between all the people that we love and the people we hope love us in return.
Alas, we do not live in a perfect world. We do not always love each other, and even if we do love each other, we wound each other.
One would think it would be better not to love at all.
This is not an option, either. Here's why:
If, as Christians, we believe in God (duh) and that God is the Creator of all things, and that the Word of God is truth (Truth, if you will), then God is Love. Therefore, as creatures created in the image of God, we are designed to love and to be loved. We cannot not love. (Please forgive my double negative.)
How do I know this? The Bible tells me so.
1 John 4:7-12
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God shoed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
Love is a big deal.
By loving one another, we are being obedient to God. By being obedient to God, we are demonstrating his love not only to other believers, but to non-believers who need to see that there is a different kind of love that what the world offers them.
Not only do we have the perfect love of a perfect God living within us, His love is so vast that He sacrificed His perfect Son in order to love us and continue loving us. How amazing is that? We are given the absolute perfect love story. Not only that, we are given a multitude of other people, other beings created in his image, with whom we complete this love by caring for one another.
How bad are we at this loving thing?
The world has twisted the idea of love that we can't even recognize it anymore, not even in other Christians, by whom the Word tells us we should be able to complete this love. One reason is that even as Christians we are human and we are going to suck this up until the day that we die. The other reason is that buy into the world's idea that love is a vulnerability. I certainly struggle with the balance of loving people while at the same time fully expecting them to stab me in the back.
That sounds harsh, but it's the truth. One of the things I grappled with this summer was this fine balance. I told a couple friends of mine that the world has taugt me that people leave. By choice or not, they will leave you behind and sometimes they don't go peacefully. They break your heart, say things, or don't say things that will stay with you for a life time. What I was letting that overshadow is the fact that God has been trying to teach me something different. God shows me that it doesn't matter whether or not people leave. Yes, people will come and go because that's the way life is. And, as hard as it would be, everyone could leave in my life, but I would be okay for one reason alone. People leave, God stays.
And, the truth is, God has always provided me with people who love me at the times in my life when I needed them most. He's kind of awesome that way.
I had a phone interview for a job a week or so ago and the only reason I couldn't take it was because of my class schedule. It was a huge disappointment because the job itself would have worked, schedule wise, it was the training I couldn't do. Full time, benefits...it would have been wonderful. And it will be, for the person they hire. After I got off the phone, I had to fight this huge wave of sadness because it was one more door not opening. Randomly (or not) I had my Bible with me and a chapter of Psalms that Kate loves came to mind. I wound up reading the whole chapter, and this verse lifted my heart and comforted me more than anything else ever could have at that moment:
But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
Psalms 71:14
So, in the overwhelming midst of the mess that I feel like is my life right now, I have hope. And love. That alone would be enough, but the super amazing thing is that God promised to take care of everything else as well.
In an attempt to put this whole loving other people thing into practice, I've been trying to tell my friends I love them more. It helps me not think of it as a weakness or vulnerability, but as completing that which has already been given me.
So, if I have not had a chance to say this to you in person, I love you.
I know it's a little impersonal over a blog, but I hope, reader, that you know it is genuine and that I am blessed to have you in my life.
The title from this blog is from a Coldplay song called Violet Hill. It is currently one of my favorite songs (and, oddly, we played it at house church on Tuesday) but I think its very true to what people feel.
It's a little late in the post to introduce a new idea, so I'll talk about this more next time, but I feel something else God has been trying to teach me the last couple of months is that as Christians, we are called to a higher response of love. Love is who we are. Love should be what we do. It's hard, but God knows His stuff, and I'm pretty sure He'll help us out if we ask.
Everybody wants love. Everyone's a little afraid to try. We should try.
I took my love down to Violet Hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still
If you love me, won't you let me know?
<3 Gabster
When you think about it, love is almost the epicenter of human existence.
From the time we are young children, we feel the need to be loved, to be cared for, to be safe. As people, we spend our lives in love. We love our parents, we love our friends, we love our pets, we love our families, we love our spouse. Books, plays, and movies revolve around love. Music is love.
In a perfect world, we would love everyone and there would be perfect trust between all the people that we love and the people we hope love us in return.
Alas, we do not live in a perfect world. We do not always love each other, and even if we do love each other, we wound each other.
One would think it would be better not to love at all.
This is not an option, either. Here's why:
If, as Christians, we believe in God (duh) and that God is the Creator of all things, and that the Word of God is truth (Truth, if you will), then God is Love. Therefore, as creatures created in the image of God, we are designed to love and to be loved. We cannot not love. (Please forgive my double negative.)
How do I know this? The Bible tells me so.
1 John 4:7-12
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God shoed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
Love is a big deal.
By loving one another, we are being obedient to God. By being obedient to God, we are demonstrating his love not only to other believers, but to non-believers who need to see that there is a different kind of love that what the world offers them.
Not only do we have the perfect love of a perfect God living within us, His love is so vast that He sacrificed His perfect Son in order to love us and continue loving us. How amazing is that? We are given the absolute perfect love story. Not only that, we are given a multitude of other people, other beings created in his image, with whom we complete this love by caring for one another.
How bad are we at this loving thing?
The world has twisted the idea of love that we can't even recognize it anymore, not even in other Christians, by whom the Word tells us we should be able to complete this love. One reason is that even as Christians we are human and we are going to suck this up until the day that we die. The other reason is that buy into the world's idea that love is a vulnerability. I certainly struggle with the balance of loving people while at the same time fully expecting them to stab me in the back.
That sounds harsh, but it's the truth. One of the things I grappled with this summer was this fine balance. I told a couple friends of mine that the world has taugt me that people leave. By choice or not, they will leave you behind and sometimes they don't go peacefully. They break your heart, say things, or don't say things that will stay with you for a life time. What I was letting that overshadow is the fact that God has been trying to teach me something different. God shows me that it doesn't matter whether or not people leave. Yes, people will come and go because that's the way life is. And, as hard as it would be, everyone could leave in my life, but I would be okay for one reason alone. People leave, God stays.
And, the truth is, God has always provided me with people who love me at the times in my life when I needed them most. He's kind of awesome that way.
I had a phone interview for a job a week or so ago and the only reason I couldn't take it was because of my class schedule. It was a huge disappointment because the job itself would have worked, schedule wise, it was the training I couldn't do. Full time, benefits...it would have been wonderful. And it will be, for the person they hire. After I got off the phone, I had to fight this huge wave of sadness because it was one more door not opening. Randomly (or not) I had my Bible with me and a chapter of Psalms that Kate loves came to mind. I wound up reading the whole chapter, and this verse lifted my heart and comforted me more than anything else ever could have at that moment:
But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
Psalms 71:14
So, in the overwhelming midst of the mess that I feel like is my life right now, I have hope. And love. That alone would be enough, but the super amazing thing is that God promised to take care of everything else as well.
In an attempt to put this whole loving other people thing into practice, I've been trying to tell my friends I love them more. It helps me not think of it as a weakness or vulnerability, but as completing that which has already been given me.
So, if I have not had a chance to say this to you in person, I love you.
I know it's a little impersonal over a blog, but I hope, reader, that you know it is genuine and that I am blessed to have you in my life.
The title from this blog is from a Coldplay song called Violet Hill. It is currently one of my favorite songs (and, oddly, we played it at house church on Tuesday) but I think its very true to what people feel.
It's a little late in the post to introduce a new idea, so I'll talk about this more next time, but I feel something else God has been trying to teach me the last couple of months is that as Christians, we are called to a higher response of love. Love is who we are. Love should be what we do. It's hard, but God knows His stuff, and I'm pretty sure He'll help us out if we ask.
Everybody wants love. Everyone's a little afraid to try. We should try.
I took my love down to Violet Hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still
If you love me, won't you let me know?
<3 Gabster
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