the barefoot librarian('s assistant)

maybe next time i'll be bulletproof

2010-01-26T13:50:00.000-06:00

Winter is my favorite season, no doubt. I love cold weather; I think snow is awesome; and from late October through mid-January it is socially acceptable to put tea lights on anything nailed down. (Or planted.) Football is on every weekened, which is also fabulous since football is my favorite sport when baseball isn't on, and lucky me they have opposite seasons. Winter is holiday season, the season of change and wonder when people get together to look back on where they've come from and look forward to where they are going. Winter is a season of reflection and solidarity.

However, winter is nearing it's end and spring is coming. I like early spring when it's kind of sunny, but there's still that little bite to the air. So it's turning spring and it's time for some changes. I have no one left to be but myself. So it's time for some purging, some spring cleaning, if you will. Getting rid of some of the non-essentials that are distractions. Spending more time doing what's important: Bible study, reading, spending time with family and friends. Making a life out here. It's down to do or die for me; I either make the changes I want or things get changed for me. Time for a trim and a color job. Time for some tights and some spring dresses. Time for some laughter and dancing. Time to kill some apathy.

Time to get some candles. I really love candles, and I only have three itty bitty ones that I lit for the first time while I was cleaning the other day. It was going well until I lit my thumb on fire. Ouch. (Okay, my thumb was not engulfed in flames or anything, but it melted part of my nail polish and hurt like a mother.)

So I'm looking for a second part time job to supplement my awesome library job. Kate and I bopped around Saturday and I applied again at Barnes and Noble, so I'm hopeful for that. We think that would be six shades of perfect, what with the books and all. Plus, some of my co-workers work/have worked there in the past so I don't think they're opposed to hiring someone doing double duty. I'm going to look at a couple of other places, too. As soon as I get a second one nailed down I'm going to start looking at apartments. ^_^ My objective right now is to move out late April or early May. And (if I find one that lets me) I'm going to paint and it will be fabulous.

Also need to get back on that whole look for a church wagon. It's just so hard to find one that has the right mix of being a small church but being large enough to have what you need. Maybe this Sunday, though, the attempt will begin again. I'm thinking I want to go back to my non-denominational orgins, too. We'll see.

Wanted to light a book on fire for the first time, ever this week, while cleaning out my car. I didn't, fear not, the book is unharmed. If you know me this is shocking; I absolutely hate marking in books. I was raised with the idea that books are pretty much sacred, you do not dog ear them, highlight in them, and you do not pull the cover off.

Or light them on fire.

Speaking of books, I finished Vision in White this morning and I'm now halfway through Sharpe's Rifles. Um, yes, those are romance and historical fiction, respectively. So far, dipping my toes into genres that are not mystery is working out okay. The water's been pretty warm. (Maybe a little too warm in the romance genre, thank you. Nothing crude, but still a little, ah...vivid.)

iTunes just shuffled from Bridget Jones to Slugpuppies. Yikes.

When I get my apartment, I am going to get more bookshelves. I have one in my room now and the poor thing is stuffed to the gills. The books need room to breathe. I also need to start filling the gaps in my Robert B. Parker collection. He was one of my top three favorite authors and he passed away last week, which was really sad. He was a great author and he will be very much missed, as will his characters.

Anyway, I know I'm rambling and there isn't much of a point to this post.

i been there done that messed around
i'm having fun don't put me down
i'll never let you sweep me off my feet
i won't let you in again the messages i tried to send
my information's just not going in
i'm burning bridges shore to shore
i break away from something more
i'm not turned off to love until it's cheap
this time maybe i'll be bulletproof
this time maybe i'll be bulletproof

Thanks to Kate for this song, it is now permanently stuck in my head. :)

psychological recovery...six months

2010-01-02T18:47:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year, everyone!
2009 was rough, wasn't it?

It felt like a rough year. Nothing quite went the way I would have liked it too, and for some things that worked out just fine. For other things, I would definitely like a reset button. When I was finished with high school, I had never been more grateful for something to be over. I had a lot of fun in high school, but I would never do it again. Now that I am finished with college, I would do it again.

No, you read that correctly. I would do college again, in a heartbeat. There are so many things I'd do differently.

But then, of course, is the age old question, would I give up what I gained to redo it?

The answer, of course, is no. I gained so much and gained friendships I wouldn't give up for the world. Some of the things I wish to change aren't mine to change anyway, so going back probably wouldn't help.

So I, as Cornelius from Meet the Robinsons would say, keep moving forward.

Oh yeah, I graduated! That was fun. I'll be honest with you, it didn't happen the way I'd envisioned it happening. I'm not sure what I did envision. I didn't throw a party or anything (so please don't be offended if you think you weren't invited!) and the actual walking across the stage happens really, really quickly. My parents were able to come, Mom was determined to get there despite her recovering foot (she had surgery) and Kate and Caleb came which I appreciated a lot. However, I have promised to throw a party when I graduate from grad school, so all of you will be invited to that, I promise.

You might be waiting a while, but we'll get there.

Right before I graduated I had one of those moments where I temporarily lost my mind and in the course of trying to do one thing accomplished something else entirely. In trying to be honest with someone else, I found out I hadn't been entirely honest with myself. Oops. It wasn't intentional and it worked out for the best (further proof that God loves me even when I am six shades of stupid) but it was definitely eye opening. I feel bad because I created an awkward situation (which I think is okay now) and I dislike making people feel awkward. Thankfully this person is extremely kind and forgiving.

I also have amazing friends to walk me through the crazy things I (occasionally) do. :)

So I'm not really a fan of New Year's resolutions, I feel like most people make them because they know nobody really expects anyone to follow through on a new year's resolution. However, I do want this year to be different than last year. No longer do I wish to be passive in the things going on in my life, no longer do I wish to be afraid to say what's on my mind. I know that I am loved, no matter what happens. God has continuously put people in my life that care about me no matter how crazy (or cranky) I get, and if He cares enough to continue to do that I'm pretty sure He loves me no matter what kind of crazy (or stupid) I get.

Watch out world. I'm here to live my life, and do it the right way from now on. I love you, and I'm gonna tell you like it is. Muah.

All right, time for more random with Gabi.

My favorite actress is Sandra Bullock. (Kudos to Caleb for being the only one to guess know this at my birthday party) My favorite Sandra Bullock movie is While You Were Sleeping. Which, incidentally makes Bill Pullman's character Jack one of my favorite leading male characters ever.

I saw Sherlock Holmes!! All capital letters would not be enough to express my love for this movie. And the soundtrack, which I bought immediately after I saw it. Which was the day before I saw it again. Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law were absolutely perfect for their roles, and Rachel McAdams was awesome. They even managed to make Lestrade likable and still be in character. I also really liked the guy who played Sergeant Clark (Clarkey? Clarkson?); he was the one who tells Holmes about the warrant. Anyway...they totally set it up for a sequel, which if when it happens should also be incredible.

Seeing the movie definitely made me want to re-read the cannon, especially to find any allusion to Watson's gambling. I can't remember anything relating to him gambling, all though it was not uncommon for gentlemen of the time to bet on one thing or another. Plus it has been a while since I read through Doyle's work, and there actually some of the short stories I haven't read. Thankfully, I got an amazing complete works (printed in 1930!) from Kate and Hound of the Baskervilles in graphic novel format from Heather for Christmas. My friends know my love for the great detective and his Boswell. :)

Next time on adventures in Gabi-land, I shall regale you with my adventures with Heather in Mount Pleasant and tales of dog-sitting.

(I really love claw machines.)

<3 always,

Gabster

Oh! P.S. The title of this blog is a quote from the Sherlock Holmes movie, and is also the name of one of the songs on the soundtrack. The longest song on the soundtrack, clocking in at over seventeen minutes of awesomeness. :)

i wanna be a cowboy, baby

2009-12-07T22:54:00.000-06:00

I felt like I should share some things about my life. These are not Biblical applications, mind you, but things about me you may or may not know.

-I am super excited for the new Disney movie, the Princess and the Frog. (Which the changed the title from the Frog Princess because they were afraid that was not politically correct. You think I'm kidding.)

Disney brings back a lot of happy childhood memories. I remember seing Beauty and the Beast in the theatre with my mom and being absolutely mesmerised by the colors and the songs. My mom and I had a conversation today about animated movies because I mentioned the fact I didn't like Happy Feet. She asked me why and I told her I thought it was too depressing for a children's movie. He gets rejected by the other penguins, he gets stuck in the zoo...yes it had great music and a happy ending, but the over all feeling of the movie did not leave me with 'I just watched a happy family film'. My mom then says to me, "That's because you watched it from a kid's point of view. You watched that thinking to yourself how would this movie make me feel if I was a kid? Your friends just watched it as the age they are." I said, "Like I do with everything!" She says, "It's true." ...Essentially I am a five year old at heart.

Another movie I am so totally excited for is the new Sherlock Holmes movie. This is the first Sherlock Holmes film to hit the big screen in over twenty years (the last being a parody with Michael Caine and Ben Kingsley) although PBS did a version more recently with Richard Roxburg and Ian Heart of The Hound of the Baskervilles which I highly recommend. There were criticisms in the fandom (yes, I'm that big of a nerd, shut it) because Richard Roxburg looks nothing like Holmes from the books, but I thought he was wonderful. I'm not sure I have words to express my joy over Robert Downey Jr. and Jude law, however, and I'm even okay with Rachel McAdams playing Irene Adler because hey, it's Rachel McAdams and she is awesome. I am so in love with the fact that Guy Ritchie is exploring the more athletic side of Holmes and incorporating the boxing. AND WATSON'S DOG.

In A Study in Scarlet, where Holmes and Watson meet, Watson mention he has a bull pup. It is never mentioned again in Doyle's cannon, and it isn't certain whether Doyle intended for Watson to have an actual dog (which is unlikely since he had just returned from Afghanistan) or if he was using a slang term for a rifle. Doyle wasn't that big on detail for some things, though. Ritchie has apparently decided to interpret it as the dog, which Holmes experiments on according to the clips in the trailer. So hilarious! Really my love for all things Holmes knows no bounds and I may be more excited for the release of this movie than I am for my own graduation.

I really, really would like to be kissed under mistletow. I know that's completely ridiculous, and I blame all the ~~ridiculous~~ wonderful holiday movies, but it would make me deleriously happy.

So, everyone pretty much knows I love music of all kinds and that I would live in a musical if I could get away with doing so (and sometimes I do thanks to my loves at Uptown). However, you may not know that I can be obsessive compulsive about my listening habits. When I find or receive new music, if there is a particular song I like or othat speaks to me I will listen to that song over and over and over and over again. I mean, a lot a lot. Usually this happens with one song at a time, but this past week I have been introduced to a whole new genre as well as a new album of a band I previously liked. So here are the songs I've had on repeat this week:

1) Changes by Black Sabbath

2) Losin' Your Mind by Black Label Society

3) Supernaut by Black Sabbath

4) Hey Soul Sister by Train

5) Tik Tok by Keisha

6) Save Me, San Francisco by Train

Black Sabbath and Black Label Soceity are thanks to Dave. Dear Dave, my iTunes thanks you for the expansion of its genres. I've been using iTunes for five years, and thanks to your contribution to my musical education for the first time it has the Metal genre as an option. I confess to stereotyping this kind of music and I am deeply grateful for this eye opening experience.

It's also kind of amusing because my Nana liked Ozzy Osbourne. I don't know that she listened to Black Sabbath, but she definitely liked Ozzy.

I sing in the shower. Loudly. I also create my own vocal jazz arrangements for songs that were not originally jazz. Wake Up Call by Maroon 5 is one of my favorites.

That's Maroon 5, just so you know. I think this is an older picture from their Songs About Jane days. I really love Maroon 5's music.

The ad on the side of facebook where the guy is shaving the girl's leg creeps me out. Now, most people know I have space issues (Thank you, people who play the Gabi Game) but there are some people (read: guys) I don't mind being close to me (I'm not telling who, but it probably is not who you think it is), even the face thing, but never ever never ever would I let a guy shave my leg I do not care how long we had been together. No thank you. Weird and creepy.

I think guys wearing a tie are sexy.

So I think that's all I've got right now. Sometimes I want to be really personal and share things I know would really surprise you. Maybe someday I will.

<3 Gabster

say what you need to say

2009-11-18T22:55:00.000-06:00

Let's revisit my love for John Mayer, shall we?

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.
Say what you need to say

There have been many times in my life where out of fear I chose to do or say nothing in a situation that called for a reaction. (Or, action which therefore causes reaction.) There have been people that I wanted to say I love you to, and never did. Times I wanted to give someone something and did not. I withheld compliment, affection, or acknowledgement because I feared being rejected or I feared the person on the other end would think I was silly.

There are people of whom I wished to ask questions and never did. Many of those people are now with Jesus or I have no way of contacting them. I have often felt frustrated because I've been the "good" kid, the "nice" girl, and have only added more questions to my ever information consuming brain.

The older I become, the more aware I am of time and how very little of it we actually have. I smile when the freshmen moan because they have three and a half more years of the college experience to go through. Classes are long, studying is hard, and boys are stupid. (Take note, these are universal truths.) College (despite what I myself groan about, this being my victory lap year) went by quickly. College for me was a quilt of experience, pieced together from three different colleges and the events of life that happened in between lectures and papers. I made good choices, I made bad choices. I was treated unfairly for standing up for what I thought was right, and I was shown grace even when I did wrong. I lost my first car, gave up my first kiss, gained life-long friends and lost loved ones. There were times I chose not to act and regretted it, and times I chose to act and reaped reactions I never expected.

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If you could only...Say what you need to say

It's a very tricky balance, living life. A young man in my class today said, "Life is vague." That got me thinking. Is life vague? As a Christian, can I say life is vague? And how would the belief of life as vague affect my walk?

For God, life is not vague. He created it, after all, and again, if we believe that the Word is Truth, God is all knowing. He is Alpha and Omega; He has always been and will always be. He knows the story from it's beginning to its end. One of my favorite verses was given to me when I was ten years old, and it is often quoted.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

So, God knows what's up. He knows the plan. He is, after all, the way, the truth, and the life. Essentially the first part of this verse is an affirmation. As people, we do not know what's up. (Or down, or sideways, or why the sky is blue or why girls act the way they do.) This is okay, because if we had to be responsible for all that knowledge, of knowing all the plans, our poor little brains would explode. Implosion would also be a possibility.

As people, we should probably be satisfied knowing that God's got it down and we need not worry. (Matthew 6:34) However, God in His infinite wisdom knows that as people we are very seldom satisfied. Telling us we don't need to known only serves as fuel to the fire. We need to know the answers. We need to know the information. We need the map, the compass, the GPS that tells us where the next Starbucks is and who our future spouse may be.

At least, we think we do. Another conflicting part of my personality is my never ending quest to absorb information of all kinds coupled with my firm belief that ignorance (in some cases) is bliss. Don't ask me how I reconcile that in my head.

I digress. God gives us some answers! He lets us know that these plans include prospering, not harming, hope, and a future. What are these things? And is it enough knowledge?

Webster defines prosper as this: to succeed in enterprise or activity, especially to achieve economic success; to cause to succeed or thrive

In this case however, I do not think God is promising us economic success. God promises us that He will take care of our needs (Matthew 6:25-34) but He also warns not to place great value on material things (Matthew 6:19-21) which sort of indicates you can kiss the prosperity gospel goodbye, but that's a post for another day.

What I think God is promising here leans more toward the "thrive" part of the definition. In the New Living Translation the verse states that God has plans for "good and not to destroy". There's an old saying that only two things are certain in life, death and taxes. It's a cute colloquialism, but the reality is that as human beings we know that death is certain. Life is fragile, and it is a gift that we can choose to embrace and live to the fullest.

Jesus says this:
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

Some days I think I struggle with having a passion for life. I look at life as a passive event, something that is happening to me as I go through each day. What happens, happens. What doesn't, doesn't and that's just the way it is. You roll over and die, or you pick up and you carry on. Perhaps that is too simple of me. Perhaps if I believed it with more epmhasis: You roll over and die, or you pick up and carry on!

Perhaps therein lays the answer to the question as to whether or not life is vague. Life cannot be vague if we are actively living for God. We are living with a goal in mind. Paul (the apostle) describes life as a race that we are running, that we are pursuing the goal at the end of the road. For Christians, that goal is Christ. To be an athlete running in a race takes practice, it takes devotion, it takes discipline. It takes making a choice to exercise the necessary muscles every single day no matter how you feel or its sleeting buckets of monkeys. In actively living for God, we can not passively let life pass us by one day at a time because we are actively practicing the faith we claim. We make the choice. We are to be living in love and sharing the gospel and acting in kindness and mercy (they will know you by your deeds) and we are to be doing something (all things) for the glory of God.

Gabs, you say, that sounds good on paper. In a perfect world this would be happening every day in our jobs and in our homes and on our campuses. What goes wrong?

Answer: We are people. And. We. Suck. This. Up.

As a writer I should be able to phrase that more eloquently and with a better vocabulary word than 'suck'. But let's be honest, folks, we're our own worst enemies. There are a lot days than not when I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. How am I going to have a zest for life and a joyful heart for living life abundantly when I let myself get so weighed down by what's happening in the world around me?

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than to never say what you need to say again

A quote by Gandhi has been on my mind lately. He is credited with saying, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."

Ouch. As my Mom is credited with saying, "The truth hurts."

Someone recently asked me if I trusted God. Not as in, do I believe in Jesus and the cross and the resurrection, but as in do I think God will betray me or do me harm? I didn't have a good answer when the question was asked of me. Forget having a good answer, I didn't have an answer. It wasn't a question I was prepared for or a conversation I was ready to have or a setting in which I was willing to have it. The answer is yes, I trust God. God has brought me through a multitude of situations and circumstances in my life that I would have never survived without Him. God has watched over me and provided for me since I was being knit together in the womb, and has done so ever since in ways many people know nothing about. I think one of the reasons I was unable to answer is because the answer I wanted to give would have been spiteful and I try very hard not to be spiteful even when I am horrifically offended and furious. (It happens... I'm a Texan woman and you know what they say about a woman scorned and all of that.) I trust Christ.

God has provided me with many friends that I can and do trust with all my heart, and I am forever thankful for these people in my life. There is no verse that promises life will be easy. There is no chapter that maps out our lives play by play. There are so many places where God promises care and comfort, good not harm, hope and a future with Christ as the goal. There will be trials that refine us. There will be consequences that shape us. There will be things we cannot take back and actions we wish we would have taken. There are conflicts that cannot be resolved in this lifetime. Letting go is an action, not a passive dismissal. Life is not vague. Your life is your own final frontier, where no one has gone before and experience which no one can repeat.

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as your eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say

I'm grateful for the people who genuinely love me with their words and their actions. I'm grateful for a new opportunity and the renewed joy I find in libraries. I'm grateful for determination and the pursuit of the abundant life. I'm determined to get up when my alarm goes off tomorrow with a smile on my face and know that the day holds promise. Tomorrow is another step in hope towards the future. It may sound simple, but the practice is the most complicated endurance test we will ever face. I think it's worth the prize.

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

<3 Gabster

it won't always be easy to love

2009-10-29T12:07:00.000-05:00

So, once upon a time, I attended a place of higher learning located in the rolling hills of East Texas. I learned a lot of things at this campus, not all of them to do with literature, theater, or history. Recently, I have greatly perturbed my mother by telling her that I have secrets that I have never breathed to another human being. She was quick to point out that God knew whatever these secrets were, and I told her that was fine because God would probably not be sharing them with anyone anytime soon. The opening to this blog is quite the conundrum, because I wish to tell you a story to make a point, but this story is a secret.

Many of my friends will tell you that I keep secrets rather well, and not just my own. (Granted, I am human, and a woman on top of that, so it has occasioned that information has slipped from me that should not have. I am not perfect, but thank you for thinking so. And I apologize if the information was yours.) This story, this secret, though, is one of my own. So how should I tell you, without giving too much away?

I fell in love in the springtime. (Could I get some wine with this cheese?) It's true, though. He was smart, and somewhat unsure of himself, at a place in life he hadn't really planned on. It started as discussions over class material that became stories about our lives that became smiles you remember long after you've left the other's company. Unfortunately, everything, anything that we were to be was contained in that brief moment. When classes were over, so was our story. He waited for me after the final and we stood in the hall and said goodbye. He took my held my hand for just a few seconds, squeezed, and let it go. I never saw him again, but those few seconds have meant more to me than a semester's worth of others.

The problem with blogging, I've found, at least for me, is that I like to take time to work out what I'm going to say. Sometimes I take too long, and other things happen in my life that derail the blogs I was working on, which is the case with this blog. Eventually I'll rework the point of this story into another blog, but for the moment, this is just an episode from my life that had an impact on me.

Life is full of twists, turns, and surprises we never dreamed of encountering.

Keeps things interesting, eh?

all at once

2009-10-16T22:02:00.000-05:00

Today was my last day as secretary at the ministry where I've worked for almost a year. This means I am no longer the barefoot secretary. Currently, I am barefoot and unemployed.

This was cause for massive stress and concern up until a couple of days ago. Wednesday I had a breakdown over it, including ranting, raving, crying, and flailing while my mom watched me roll. Thursday involved crying, but none of the others. (Well, maybe some ranting and a little flailing.) Today, I was fine. It was the complete grace of God.

It's over now, and I'm relieved. It's been a long, hard road. I know I'm not nearly finished learning all God has for me to learn, and I'm grateful He has brought me this far. I have an interview on Monday which I am super excited about, so please keep me in your prayers for that.

This post is short. I'll write more later. Thank you all so much for your love and prayers. You have meant so much to me, and I couldn't have made it through this time in my life without you. God has provided, and it has been ya'll.

I'll leave with this:

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
-All at Once, The Fray

<3 Gabster

if you love me, won't you let me know?

2009-10-08T17:22:00.001-05:00

Love is a big deal.
When you think about it, love is almost the epicenter of human existence.
From the time we are young children, we feel the need to be loved, to be cared for, to be safe. As people, we spend our lives in love. We love our parents, we love our friends, we love our pets, we love our families, we love our spouse. Books, plays, and movies revolve around love. Music is love.

In a perfect world, we would love everyone and there would be perfect trust between all the people that we love and the people we hope love us in return.
Alas, we do not live in a perfect world. We do not always love each other, and even if we do love each other, we wound each other.

One would think it would be better not to love at all.

This is not an option, either. Here's why:

If, as Christians, we believe in God (duh) and that God is the Creator of all things, and that the Word of God is truth (Truth, if you will), then God is Love. Therefore, as creatures created in the image of God, we are designed to love and to be loved. We cannot not love. (Please forgive my double negative.)

How do I know this? The Bible tells me so.
1 John 4:7-12
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God shoed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

Love is a big deal.
By loving one another, we are being obedient to God. By being obedient to God, we are demonstrating his love not only to other believers, but to non-believers who need to see that there is a different kind of love that what the world offers them.

Not only do we have the perfect love of a perfect God living within us, His love is so vast that He sacrificed His perfect Son in order to love us and continue loving us. How amazing is that? We are given the absolute perfect love story. Not only that, we are given a multitude of other people, other beings created in his image, with whom we complete this love by caring for one another.

How bad are we at this loving thing?

The world has twisted the idea of love that we can't even recognize it anymore, not even in other Christians, by whom the Word tells us we should be able to complete this love. One reason is that even as Christians we are human and we are going to suck this up until the day that we die. The other reason is that buy into the world's idea that love is a vulnerability. I certainly struggle with the balance of loving people while at the same time fully expecting them to stab me in the back.

That sounds harsh, but it's the truth. One of the things I grappled with this summer was this fine balance. I told a couple friends of mine that the world has taugt me that people leave. By choice or not, they will leave you behind and sometimes they don't go peacefully. They break your heart, say things, or don't say things that will stay with you for a life time. What I was letting that overshadow is the fact that God has been trying to teach me something different. God shows me that it doesn't matter whether or not people leave. Yes, people will come and go because that's the way life is. And, as hard as it would be, everyone could leave in my life, but I would be okay for one reason alone. People leave, God stays.

And, the truth is, God has always provided me with people who love me at the times in my life when I needed them most. He's kind of awesome that way.

I had a phone interview for a job a week or so ago and the only reason I couldn't take it was because of my class schedule. It was a huge disappointment because the job itself would have worked, schedule wise, it was the training I couldn't do. Full time, benefits...it would have been wonderful. And it will be, for the person they hire. After I got off the phone, I had to fight this huge wave of sadness because it was one more door not opening. Randomly (or not) I had my Bible with me and a chapter of Psalms that Kate loves came to mind. I wound up reading the whole chapter, and this verse lifted my heart and comforted me more than anything else ever could have at that moment:

But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
Psalms 71:14

So, in the overwhelming midst of the mess that I feel like is my life right now, I have hope. And love. That alone would be enough, but the super amazing thing is that God promised to take care of everything else as well.

In an attempt to put this whole loving other people thing into practice, I've been trying to tell my friends I love them more. It helps me not think of it as a weakness or vulnerability, but as completing that which has already been given me.

So, if I have not had a chance to say this to you in person, I love you.

I know it's a little impersonal over a blog, but I hope, reader, that you know it is genuine and that I am blessed to have you in my life.

The title from this blog is from a Coldplay song called Violet Hill. It is currently one of my favorite songs (and, oddly, we played it at house church on Tuesday) but I think its very true to what people feel.

It's a little late in the post to introduce a new idea, so I'll talk about this more next time, but I feel something else God has been trying to teach me the last couple of months is that as Christians, we are called to a higher response of love. Love is who we are. Love should be what we do. It's hard, but God knows His stuff, and I'm pretty sure He'll help us out if we ask.

Everybody wants love. Everyone's a little afraid to try. We should try.

I took my love down to Violet Hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

If you love me, won't you let me know?

<3 Gabster

i don't trust myself

2009-09-22T17:57:00.001-05:00

Sam. Srsly.y es? srsly. i'm tryhing to blog here. lol

The adventures of blodgging owith nsame. Er, that would be Sam.

Anyhoo.

Lots of thoughts lately. Most of them I can't talk about, for one reason or another.

God only knows the craziness of this last week or so. There is a lot of need, not just for me, but for my family and for my friends.

I am not worried. I know that God has the future well in hand.
Still, waiting is a test.

In the passage of James we're reading for house church right now, it speaks directly to holding fast during trials. We are faced with trials, and we endure. This is what we are called to, there is no other way. The most comforting part, is that while we are waiting, or wading through the fire that is refining us, God is there for us every step along the way. It says:

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

God promises us good things. God is steady and unchanging. He is the Father of heavenly lights, unlike shadows which are hard to take hold of.

Further thoughts, in poetry format:
What am I if I am not chasing a dream
What am I if things are not better than they seem
Where do I stand if you are not holding my hand
Where do I go if I do not have you to show me
Precious few are chosen to sand alone
If I smiled at you would you understand?
You should not believe the things that I say
Unless you know that when I say
I do not care what you think
It is my heart unable to sink down to saying
What I really think is that you are wonderful
And your thoughts are what I think about

__________________________________________

My mind uncharted, vast and dark
Two fold full and not yet touched
Flashes of light leading to insight
Brilliance I see and tragedy too
Mixed up with music and mint and Christmas lights
Cardboard boxes not quite sealed
My mind, shaken, and the boxes spill
Spill out of my mind, down my face
Black and blue and red bruises in, bruises out
There is knowledge mine and mind could do without
Hamlet is becoming, words, words, words
There is nothing until it is something
And so it goes, and so it goes
You will not remember, I suppose
There was not time enough to grow
A rose among these brambles
Shambles, we are standing
Knee deep in the coldest snow
Smile, smile, and be the best villain you can be
Curtain closes, time to pack these things
Back into the boxes in my mind
But the prince, he said it best
Doubt it all, but that I love.

<3 Gabster

sweet child o' mine

2009-08-27T00:00:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I know I haven't posted in forever. However, I've felt in the last several days that I wouldn't do anything but whine, and this is something I very much wish to avoid.

However, I feel I have things to say now that don't lean towards high pitched noises and violins. :)

All this week we have events at our ministry promoting student involvement before classes start (yikes!) tomorrow. We're doing pretty much the same things this year that we did last year, and the year before. Can I just say that we have been pretty much blown away by the response we've had from incoming students? It is absolutely amazing to see what God is doing and how He is blessing the ministry right now. Our leadership team has really come together as well, and I am super proud of them. I can't wait to see what the coming months will look like if the last four days are any indication of where God is taking us.

And now for something completely different! Some of you know that I write, and so I'm going to share with you something that I wrote (wow, cirular sentence hello). I'm not much for structure when I do stuff like this, so I apologize for the lack of grammar, punctuation, or sentence structure. This is just kind of how I've felt about some things, and some of the things God has been trying to say to me, and how I've felt I've responded.

What can you say to
'How was your summer?'
When you freak out at spoons
And the hardest time is afternoon
And the hardest place is after knowing
These growing pains aren't worth the strain on
My aching bones and the pull
On my heart is
tighter than art stretched into a
frame. The more things change the more they remain
But no more! All we have is remains
and praise God that sin is like
dust and we are like
death and we are Forgiven
and God forgests what we are
without Him because we are
Nothing without Him and we
Confess and the sin slips away
into the sea to the east and
the west and we are Alive and the best of us is
Christ.
So we are here carrying on the fight
And, not to say there are not moments
when my spirit is dry even though the Word
says to be cheerful.
I must confess the mistrust in my head makes me
fearful and sometimes I find the places and
Caverns I create in my mind
Fill up with the junk and lies I
Fail to leave behind and I know that
I am called to love and to love as
Christ has loved and continues to love
But somedays it's a struggle to get out of bed and
instead of loving I'm leaving
Without a goodbye to be said.
Should there be a moment of silence when I
strive and pray for the quiet, I think that if God
were in front of me and
we sat down just to drink coffee he would say,
"Sweet child, this ain't how it got to be. Quit all your fighting
and let it be! Sweet child stand behind and I will
Take the slings and arrows of this world and I will
Heal all your deepest hurts and I see your scars.
See? I have them too, for this world tried to do to me
What it is trying to do to you, sweet child I have overcome!
The world and all vengence is mine, sweet child, trust in me and put your fears behind."
And get this, it's not that God doesn't say this enough
It comes down to the fact I don't hear Him
Because I get so distracted and my focus falls on my actions and
Suddenly it's all about me and please!
Could I be any more selfish?
Could I find a way to be more ego-centric?
You'll slip and you'll slide, and yes the ride
Seems fun until the ride is all done and
when the truth comes out
it isn't like being hit with a bullet, it's like finding out
that you got cut ages ago but you just didn't know it and
Now you're aware that you're bleeding
even though the Spirit inside you was screaming in whispers
Trying to gently direct
While you were directly doing your best to forget the sound of His voice.
The sound of His voice that could fill up the voids and heal up the wounds.
What do I do? I throw up my hands and say,
"God it's too soon! I'd rather just wait, stand here and bleed."
When all that He wants is to give me all that I need.
When all that He is, is all I should be.
Maybe now, growing pains will teach this restless child to still, to grow
and rest, and live in
His will.

After typng that out I realized how ridiculously long it was and how bad the grammar/punctuation actually is. X_x Here is the summation if you're a skimmer:

Seek God first.
Seek God first.
Seek God first.

Mmmmkay? This is what God (I feel) is very much trying to impart to me this week.

More on this later. It is late, and my last (LAST) semester of school starts tomorrow at 9:30am.

Oh, random thing. Do the tabs on your laptop (for some it would be in your address bar) have the little logos for websites? Like, yahoo is the little red Y, imdb is imdb in a little gold box, blogger is the orange B, etc. ? My laptop has these little logos, only it has recently started putting the wrong logo on the tab. It's not just switiching logos if I have two websites up in two tabs. It's pulling stuff out of thin air. For instance, this tab in which I am now writing to all of you, has The Weather Channel logo on the tab.

I've never even been to the weather channel website on this laptop. Starsky, it would appear, is already developing a mind/personality of his own. (And yes, my laptop is called Starsky. Don't judge.)

Here's what I'll end with:

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philipians 3:13-14
<3 Gabster

what about love? i never mentioned love

2009-08-15T00:17:00.005-05:00

And the high notes!

As I may have mentioned, my completely amazing friends bought me two tickets for Legally Blonde: The Musical for the tour's stop in Fort Worth.

It was beyond perfect. I love, love, love live theater, especially musical theater, so to get to go with one of my best friends was *so* amazing. It was a great show, very upbeat, which was very needed.

These pictures actually show the cast that we saw, and they were absolutely terrific. I loved Elle and Emmett, and how their relationship developed. Plus, I think I just love Emmett. He's smart, and funny, and awkward, but he's willing to see beyond what Elle looks like and help her cultivate her potential. Plus, you know, he sings and dances which for some reason (like a guitar) just makes a man more attractive.

Kate and I had a lot of fun going to this show, so thank you so much to everyone who chipped in. Ohmigod, I love you guys!

Also...on the way home (and after getting turned around a couple of times) Kate and I decided to stop for some food and we pulled into a Sonic. Well, we thought it was a Sonic. The sign that said Sonic was lit up at the curb, and the building had a lighted sign that said Sonic...and I said to Kate, Hey, where's the Sonic?

That is the Sonic!
What?

There were no lines of places for cars to pull up, no...it was a sit-down Sonic with a drive-thru. Now, I realize that many Sonics have added drive-thrus to their usual restaurantes to keep up with the times, but I can't even find a Google picture to show ya'll the abnormality of this particular location. Sonic is America's drive-in, (thats drive-IN) not a sit-down like Whataburger, or Mickey D's. Seriously random.

But! Should you get the chance to see Legally Blonde: The Musical, I highly recommend the show. It's very positive and will encourage you to believe in yourself, believe in love, and it will make you want to go blonde. Or go to Harvard and meet a good looking TA. Whichever.

More on my thoughts about life, love, and the whole crazy mess later!

<3 Gabster

get it together

2009-08-06T22:17:00.012-05:00

My wildest dreams have come true! Okay, not the ones involving car wrecks, car chases, terrorists, gun fights, or fire wielding (can someone tell me why I never get the dreams where I get rescued by the hot guy and we snog as we ride into the sunset?) but the one where my friends come together and are friends, which is much better than flying or time travel.

...Time travel might be debatable.

For the most part, I consider my self to be an emotionally stable individual. Remember, I tell myself, roll with the punches. When my mom got sick during jr. high and my freshman year, I did not freak out after the first night. There were things to be done. I had to keep going with school, taking care of the house, and the dogs, and the company. When Nana got sick, it was the same thing. Other people could freak out, but I had stuff to take care of.

The last two days I have not done a very good job of keeping it together. I've had a very extreme mix of highs and lows. I'll start with the lows so I can gush later.

Exhibit A:
In which Gabi rips a map off the wall.

The map, once on the wall. And...

The wall, which suffered the loss of paint. (Also, ignore the date/time stamp...camera is apparently a little off.)

Now, you might be thinking, hey its not such a big deal. She pulled the map off and some paint came with it. This may be true, but I don't do this. I don't lash out because usually I'll regret it, or have to clean it up, or cause work for somebody else which isn't fair.

As irrational as it is, every time I looked at this map on the wall, I got angry. So, most of the time I just didn't look at it. Did the map do anything? No. But it embodied what I felt had caused me harm. I told Kim that morning that I was going to delegate the remnants of the project surrounding the map to the missions team and she suggested going ahead and taking the map down and letting the team place it where they wanted it. I said, no, I didn't want them to have to re-stick it to the wall. Kim tugged on a corner of the map and said, it's all ready loose...

And then my mind sort of...turned off. I really can't remember a time before in my life where I acted out of blind anger, but this sensation flared inside of me and I grabbed the other edge of the map and I ripped it off the wall.

Kim stared at me and I stood there for a second, holding the map and staring at the wall. I started laughing, and she laughed, and I dropped the map, sat on the floor, and started to cry.

It was, all and all, rather ridiculous. In ripping the map off the wall, today I felt like I ripped off a band-aid and my emotions were raw and exposed, which didn't end so well either.

Proverbs 29:11 says:
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

So, perhaps I am drifting somewhere close to a fool, just out of reach of being wise. I didn't throw things or run around screeching or beat somebody, but I am human and right now that anger is still right there.

For me personally, one of the dangers is taking this out on people who don't deserve it, verbally or otherwise. I almost impaled one of my good friends with a nail file this afternoon, and it was an inappropriate overreaction to something he said. He's a nice guy, and I'm afraid I'm overly harsh or antagonistic with him, and its unnecessary.

At some point I'm going to to do a big post on what I've found in my search for what the Bible says about forgiveness and love, because it's truly incredible what God is willing to give us all the time, and what he does for us. In my search today for what to do about being angry, I found the following in Ephesians.

Ephesians 4:2-3 says this:
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.

verse 26:
In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

verses 31-32:
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander along with every other form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

So, the goal here is to let go of this anger, rage, bitterness, and malice and move forward with peace. If I weren't human, this would be a much easier process! Thankfully the Word is a map, and one I can't rip off a wall or out of my heart. I know where I need to be going, towards peace and patience in love. I may not get there today, or tomorrow, but eventually I will arrive at the destination.

Rather an epic trip, eh?

Oh, and no worries, the wall is recovering.

We got to keep this world together,
got to keep it moving straight
Love like we mean forever, so that people can relate
If you're rolling to your left, don't forget I'm on the right
Trust and forgive each other
A little love and we just might
Get It Together - Seal

<3 Gabster

...And I forgot I was going to talk about the high points in this post, too. Since I feel this was a wee bit ramblish, I will write about it later. But here's a preview:

I might be a little bit in love with this character:

Emmett, from Legally Blonde the Musical, which my completely amazing friends sent me and Kate to see in Fort Worth.

raggedy andy running on empty

2009-08-04T23:05:00.002-05:00

So, a few days ago I meantioned the Nooma video I watched called Rain. In this video, Rob Bell also asks this questions, "Have you ever had one of those moments in life you wish you could just freeze and make last?"

I thought about it and of course several moments came to mind, certain road trips, Christmases with my family, time with my Nana, nights spent dancing in parking lots and under the moon, late night talks with friends, afternoons at Chipotle and Mardel. There have been many happy moments in my life, but I hadn't had a moment recently that I would necessarily want to freeze time for in order to enjoy it until I couldn't take any more in.

That changed Friday night. My birthday was Thursday, and it was an odd day as far as birthdays go. I've never been big on getting older, even when I was little I would cry on my birthday because I didn't want things to change with my age. This year I had work and class, and my lovely co-workers and friends took me out to lunch at Chipotle. It was strange, because I love the people I spent Thursday with, but there were people who I thought would be there who weren't and couldn't be. It was, I suppose, the first holiday after a loss.

After my Nana died, we didn't celebrate much for over a year. When you feel like something or someone important is missing from your life, things don't seem as festive or exciting. I hadn't been holding my breath for twenty-three, and recent events made it seem even less celebratory.

Friday, the office was closed so I planned a day with my BFF. Originally, our plan was to go into Dallas and get tattoos. For various reasons, I backed out and BFF was amazing about it and challenged me to really think about the reasons I wanted one and whether I should go through with it in the future, which I am. So we traipsed around for a while, got mani/pedis, shopped, ate, I was gifted with zombies, aliens and Nazi's (lol!), and we wound up back at Target. We had planned a game night for Friday night for some time, and we were pushing it on making it back on time, but I wasn't overly worried about it. I've been rather distracted lately.

A couple of our friends were already there when we did get back, but several minutes later my other from school arrived - a complete and total surprise. Then more of my friends from school arrived, meeting and mingling with my friends from home. My heart could not have been happier, to have my friends coming together and becoming friends with each other. It was the best gift I didn't even know I wanted! This was the moment that I wish I could freeze for a lifetime. My worlds came together and I felt loved and certain, which is something with which I often struggle.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us and we are his,
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Psalm 100:1-3

My heart has been both full and empty these last two weeks. I don't have that gnawing feeling anymore, and part of that is because God really worked in my heart and I'm making progress with some healing. A week or so before the kaboom (as I like to call it) I was sitting with him eating lunch, and we were discussing people's reactions to things. He looked at me and said, Gabi, you roll with the punches well. You take what comes and you go with it.

Foreshadowing. Bum bum bum.

So, I guess right now I'm rolling. I got knocked down, but I'm getting up again. (Sing, any of you, I dare you!) My heart was emptied, but it is being filled again. Praise God for his promises, and for the random things he gives me! Like people coming back, and running hugs in a parking lot, and random hugs in a parking lot, and arguing with someone I'll never admit I missed. And, a teacher who moved a whole test so I can go see Legally Blonde the Musical with BFF tomorrow night, thanks to my Other and Kim and everyone who loves me.

My heart is surely filling agagin.
<3 Gabster

in repair

2009-07-31T12:02:00.002-05:00

So, you may or may not know of my love for John Mayer's music. His lyrics, for the most part, really speak to me me about life and love and things that I've felt over the last five years or so. A lot of people probably feel this way which is why he is such a successful artist.

One of his songs is called In Repair. There's a video on youtube of him doing this song live and he introduces the song by saying its about when life f's you up and coming out of it. He says the best feeling in the world is when it stops hurting, which I think is interesting. Some people say that you go through hard things in life so you can appreciate the good times with a more intense sweetness. I hope this is true. I hope that we don't take the moment when it stops hurting for granted.

Over the last six to eight months I've done a lot of things to "screw" up my life. Things that started out as small turned into big, life course altering instances. I'm not graduating on time. I'm working my way out of some debt. Did I ask God and my parents and people for forgiveness? Yes. Am I forgiven? Yes. There is no doubt about the promises of God. Does that make it all go away? No.

The road is long, and its going to take a lot of work for me move beyond my own destruction.

i'm in repair
i'm not together
but i'm getting there

Now, I find it difficult to be in a situation where I must forgive these things and more in someone else. Someone who was close to me, a best friend. I know that I must forgive, as God has forgiven me. Has God forgiven them? Yes. Does that make it all go away? No. Have they asked me for forgiveness? No.

Does it matter to God that they haven't done this? I don't know. Probably not. Each of us makes our own choices, each of us must answer to God.

But what does that look like? If this person doesn't care, should I have to?
These are things I'm hoping God will teach me, soon.

i'm in repair, i'm in repair

<3 Gabster

covered in rain

2009-07-29T23:00:00.005-05:00

Today has been such a frustration. Nothing seems to be working right and its causing that tense, anxious feeling in my stomach that makes me want to flail and scream like a five year old. Logically, you know that screaming and flailing will not make one bit of difference, or help things along, but since nothing else seems to be working, what could it hurt?

My ministry, as some of you know, is free lunches on Wednesday during the fall and spring semesters. In the craziness that has been the last week and half, the director at a neighboring ministry offered to take my list of churches to call so I didn't have to worry about that. I'm extremely grateful for this help. However, since things are (somewhat) calming down, I've had time on my hands. With this time, I decided to start watching a video series by a guy named Rob Bell. I'll be using these short videos as the devotionals at lunch this semester.

Somehow, God is clever enough to work through DVD.

Being slightly OCD, I had to start with the first (of ten) short videos. The title of this video is Rain. The video starts by addressing when we're in a place in life where we feel abandoned, fearful, hopeless, confused, and drowning in rain. He talks about how as Christians, sometimes we feel like we have to have it all figured out or put together before we come before God. As if to say, here I am God! I may not be perfect, but I'm more together than the next guy.

If you are more put together than the next guy, (which might be me or any number of people I know right now) I applaud you. God can certainly use you where you are. What we can't forget, what I can't forget, is that God can use me where I am, which is not at all put together. I'm lost, I'm confused, and I'm struggling to find the truth in each day. Today, in the midst of my frustration and desire to scream and flail, I've been reminded that even though I feel this way, God is not far away. In fact, God is closer than ever.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted,
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all.
Psalm 34:18/19

I wanted to put pictures on here because I found my camera cables when I moved out of my dorm in May.
Frustration: computer does not recognize camera.
Praise: I have the cables when I get my new computer.
Frustration: New computer is still sitting in the warehouse.
Praise: It will come!
Frustration: Carpet cleaner machine is ridiculously hard to set up.
Praise: Furniture is clean, and I learned a new skill.
Praise: Class was canceled tonight.
Praise: There is freedom in forgiveness.
Frustration: There is pain in silence.
Praise: God will provide a way.

When I was little, for a long time I didn't know there was anything but praise and worship music and I believed they quit making music after 1970-something. All we listened to was praise and worship and KLUV, the oldies station. (Which is no longer an oldies station...at least, I mean...the eighties are NOT oldies, people!) But I'm reminded of a song my mom used to play and it went like this:

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

Today was such a frustration, but blessings came with it as well. The first stitch in closing these wounds. Tell you what, trusting God to do big things and listening to Him when he wants you to step into that bigness can do wonders.

<3 Gabster

the brain works...weirdly

2009-07-23T08:51:00.008-05:00

So I had this dream last night and it was weird. Here we go.

Kim and I are leaving this place where we'd been with a bunch of friends, just hanging out and having a good time. We get in her car and we're driving down the highway, headed back home. She and I are chatting when a car pulls up close behind us. It starts flashing its lights and getting closer and closer to us. Kim and I are both scared and Kim looks at me and says, Its going to hit us.

The car looks like this:

...Creepy, I know.

The car swings around us at the last second and speeds by.
Now it looks like this (without the camper on top):

Somehow in my mind in the dream, its the same car.

Anyway, the van is speeding out of control. It tips on two wheels and crashes, flipping into the air and over a low lying bridge we were about to go under. I realize it could hit us as it falls since we are now under the bridge about to come out the other side where the van has to invariably land. Kim! I want to scream, Hit the breaks! Stop the car! But my mouth won't work.

The van hits the ground to the right of the car, barely missing us. However, it hits the car that had been in the other lane, and the car that had been in the lane behind it can't avoid the collision, either. Kim's accelerating trying to get away, but the drivers in front of us have been spooked by the noises behind them.
I had scooted away from the passenger door and I hold onto her knee. Cars all around us are colliding, and I know it is a matter of second before we are hit, and at the rate of speed we are going we will probably be killed. I shut my eyes and think, Thank God Kim's wearing a seat belt. For whatever reason, I am not.

The car slowly comes to a stop and I open my eyes. Kim has pulled over on the shoulder and we look at each other for a long second. We survived. The car was not hit. We both acknowledge that this is our only window of opportunity to leave. We can drive away and not deal with the carnage behind us.

Call 911. I say. She nods and we both get out of the car. I only have these monstrous high heels, which I don't bother putting on. I look in the trunk, cuss because I don't have shoes that will work for this situation, shut the trunk and pull out my phone. Kim and I, both barefoot, run towards the mass of wrecked cars only feet behind us.

Its a mess. There is so much destruction. Glass and pieces of cars are scattered all over the road. A few people stumble out of their cars, dazed and bleeding. I run up to a black, mid-sized SUV and grab the passenger door. The windows have been blown out and there is an empty child seat in the back. There is no one in the car. Where are they? How can they not be in the car?

The 911 operator picks up and asks Is the nature of your call a violent domestic disturbance or a car-accident?

Its a violent car accident I tell him.

Ma'am we only classify car accidents as certain-

Just get to the details so you can send some one to help us! I scream. We need help!

There is a long pause. His voice changes slightly and he says,
Help is already there.

I look up and drop the phone, there are emergency workers in the tunnel. I run towards them. The missing people must be in the tunnel, there are far too few people on the highway for the number of cars. A man stops me before I can get too close.

There's nothing you can do, he says.

I push past him and into the tunnel. The people in the tunnel are dead, impaled by glass. I feel sick and back away, but it is too late. I have already seen it. The people I were expecting to see are not here.

The workers look at me with sad eyes as I turn and leave. I walk back towards Kim, who is standing in the middle of the highway. As I reach her she turns and walks with me. Our feet are bleeding from the glass shards, but we are walking away.

So I apologize for the morbidity of that. My brain works oddly. When I am stressed, I dream about car wrecks. Never one quite this epic, but...my stress and the stress of most of the people I care about this last week/month/summer has been kind of epic.

Despite this rather intense dream, I woke up with song and a smile. Today, I will be happier than a bird with a french fry. After all, help is already here.

Praise be to the Lord,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am
helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.
The Lord is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
- Psalm 28:6-8 (NIV)

<3 Gabster

Oh, as an afterthought, at least we weren't driving this!

teehee
<3 Gabster

Exodus 15:2

2009-07-23T00:10:00.003-05:00

The Lord is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father's God, and I will exalt him.
- Exodus 15:2 (NIV)

If you know me, you know that I sing. Not professionally, or in a choir, or in a band, and perhaps not particularly well (it depends on the day and who you are asking) but I sing as much as I can. Music is in my blood, in my heart, and in my brain. My Nana, who I loved with all of my heart, had a song for everything and I am just like her. Whistling is also something I enjoy, but do not engage in as often (when you have dogs you learn not to do that) and she would ask me if I ate birdseed for breakfast.

My brother says I have musical turrets. I think I take this as a compliment.

The last several days, there has been no singing. There has been a calculated effort to rise in the morning and do what needs to be done. When I drive, the radio is on, but the best I've achieved is turning up the music as loud as I can, hoping it consumes my brain.

Someday soon I may be able to speak about why this has been the case. Right now that's not an option. Perhaps this is good, because that means all I can point to is God, all I can lean on is God, all I can trust is God.

(God says, "Finally! She is learning." Or at least, I imagine he may be thinking this about now.)

Never in my life have I struggled for song. Many times I have struggled for strength, and failed to go to the Source.

I came across the above verse yesterday or today, and it really spoke volumes to my heart about where I am and where I need to be going in the days ahead.

Refocus. Let go.
My God is my strength.
Open my mouth. God will give me the music.
My God is my song.
I can rest in His promises.
My God is my salvation.

The road ahead is long. There is much work to be done. I am praying that I (we!) continue to look towards God to lead and that we will follow.

<3 Gabster